Unique and Beautiful

Today I had a mini panic attack. There were so many things going on in my mind, so many things to deal with and I couldn’t manage. I felt breathless, felt like I couldn’t concentrate in anything. The feeling sucks so badly.

My event is coming up this Saturday, but there are so many things not settled. And I left the office for an interview feeling so much unease, which resulted in me screwing up my interview. <br> 

Coupled with some guy problems, I eventually sort of hyperventilated and felt so breathless in the train. Thankfully the sis called me at that moment and talking to her made me pour out all my emotions and cry it all out. Literally, I was sobbing uncontrollably at the train station lol. So embarrassing on hindsight. 

But it felt good letting it all out, it felt good talking to the sis. Knowing all my weak points and allowing myself to fall into the trap of self-loathing was bad, it was not okay, but the sis assured me that we are only humans. It’s okay to fall once in a while, it’s okay to feel worthless at times, but you got to learn to pick yourself up and move on. That’s what life is all about. You make mistakes, you learn and you move on.

It’s important to know how valuable you are, and you don’t live for other people’s values. You don’t have to BE like others, you just have to be yourself, and others will like you for who you are. 

It never gets easier, it just gets better. Press on Jas, you know you’re strong enough and you’re worth it. 

Unbeatable

These tears won’t stop flowing, I hate that I’m so soft-hearted, I hate that I’m always blaming myself for things that are not my fault, I hate that I’m always trying to please others.


I’m just so tired, I just want to stop being so weak in front of others.


Please, help me to be strong, help me to be brave against others. 

Raw Emotions

I’m typing this as I’m in the train, on the way to work. My thoughts are all fumbled up, but I want to keep these raw emotions in my memories forever so I’m hastily writing now.

I quarreled with my mum this morning. Not exactly those kind of big fights you will see on typical Korean dramas. Just a bicker over differing opinions. Personally, I hate it when I see other people pass judgements on people’s looks, appearance etc, sometimes even when they don’t even know those people. My parents has this habit of doing it. Like seeing people on the street and saying things like “Wah see that girl so fat!” Or “Wah see the guy so much shorter than the gf” I know they absolutely mean no harm, it’s just a topic for conversation if I can put it that way.  I mean they are not the only ones, I hear so many of such body shaming remarks everyday in the office, and it irks me so much and I feel so angry with myself because I don’t have the courage to fight back for my friends who are victims of such comments. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not some angel that makes no rude comments. I do, I’m only human. Sometimes in a fit of anger, I can’t help but have all these harsh comments running through my head. But I like to think that I am more conscious in what I say to people, especially if it’s personal remarks that I know can potentially hurt someone’s feelings. And I definitely do not make fun/ say derogatory comments towards people just for the sake of a convo starter.

I don’t know why I am so affected by it, maybe it’s because I have struggled with body image issues in the past, maybe it’s because I know how it feels to be called names. I can tell you for sure that no one ever wants to be called fat, no one ever wants to be called ugly, I certainly don’t think those bigger sized people made a deliberate choice to be big sized. I mean, you can say “yeah too bad, they did not love themselves, they brought it upon themselves”.

And then, SO WHAT?? Okay, they did not make good food choices, they are big sized. And then, so?? Does that give you any right to judge them for how they look? Everyone has a story behind them, they might be bigger sized Cos of their love for food, they might be bigger Cos of a medical condition, why are you so quick to judge? And in any case, does your judgement change anything? All it does is cause them to evoke a sense of self hate and guilt, and you have no right to make them feel that way. No one should ever have the right to make someone feel less worthy than others. You can argue that alerting them can make them aware of the health issues that can come with being overweight, but I don’t believe this is the right way to do it. There are so many other ways you can nicely tell them, encourage them to go for a run together with you etc etc, so why does body shaming justify as a way to create awareness? No it does not, and it should never be the way to go.

I digress from the main point of my quarrel, but it was something related to the above rant. So my mum loves buying dresses for me but she always likes to add remarks like “I think you can’t fit into the dress”, “I think it will be too tight for you”, “I think M size you confirm can’t wear, your Sister can wear”. I mean like, does saying all these make me feel any better? If you think I can’t wear it, then why buy it for me in the first place and make all these comments? Of course I understand my mum’s heart, I know she’s buying all these out of love for us, and I definitely know she does not mean anything bad saying all these, but yeah I just don’t like it (going back to my previous point). So the same thing happened this morning and I told her I could wear the dress but she insisted I won’t be able to fit. So I told her, “okay then you can give it to Jie to wear.” And then my mum got angry with me for being angry with her. #angryception

I left the house for work, leaving our quarrels unresolved and feeling a bit upset at how things always turn out this way whenever she buys clothes for me. It almost always ends up with this conclusion, of both of us being angry with each other and she calling me sensitive and I calling her insensitive. Hahaha Guess we are both ironically sensitive people for reacting the way we did.

So now as I am on my way to work, just before I wrote this,  I came across an article on LinkedIn talking about a new employee who asked her boss if she could take leave for a family vacation on her 2nd day of work. She said that the vacation was important to her dad and she needed to take that leave. And that got me thinking, that sometimes we forget what is the most important thing to us. We always neglect family time for friends, for work, treat our houses like hotels, have minimal conversations with the parents, the list goes on. I quarrel with my mum over the most senseless and unimportant things, and make her sad when all she thought of was to buy something nice for her Daughter. I remembered her face of disappointment as I left the house this morning, and I feel so bad about it. Sighh, we always regret things after they happen. I hope I can learn from this episode and treat my family better because they are everything to me.

A silent prayer

Has it been 10 years already?

My mind is in a mess right now, and my thoughts are all fumbled up.

It didn’t sink in at first, that you are gone from this world. Until 2 days ago when it struck me that I will never see the five of you standing on stage together again. That I would never be able to say the fan chants again. That I will never be able to hear Please, Don’t Go live again. That I will never be able to see your quirky and crazy moments on variety shows again.

You are gone. You have really departed this world and you won’t ever come back again.

You dedicated a decade of your life working so hard bringing joy and happiness to us, but inside you are struggling, gasping for breath. Hoping someone would realise and acknowledge your pain. And when they finally realised, it's too late. No one bothered to know the real you, no one cared how you truly felt.

You tried to reach out for help, you didn't want to leave the world this way. But you were mindlessly turned down and pushed into a corner.

It got me thinking how easily people brush off others and take depression as an illness too lightly. How people don’t see depression as an illness but a “weak mind”, and nonchalantly say “It’s all in your head. You can overcome it if you want to.”

Well if they could, they wouldn’t be begging you for help already. I can relate to this on all levels because I have been through it. Not depression, but similar. It is easy for others to say all these, but you are not the one going through it. You will never know how painful and difficult it is for the person struggling. To have gone to the extent of taking your own life, I’m sorry that you couldn’t see a better way out of this. I’m sorry that leaving this world and leaving everyone you love behind was the only way out for you.

It’s too late for regrets. It’s always too late for regrets. Humans never learn from their mistakes of treasuring someone or something until they are gone from your lives.

But I pray that you will go peacefully, that you will know that you are loved, you have been loved dearly. That you have done well, you have done really really well and we are all proud of you, so you should be proud of yourself too. I pray that the family and other members will not be in too much pain, that they will free themselves from guilt and continue living their lives bravely for themselves and for you.

Thank you for all the songs, for all the beautiful memories, for all the laughter that you gave to me and everyone else in the world. Thank you for blessing me with your angelic voice, thank you for coming into my life 10 years ago. Everything happens for a reason. You came into my life not by chance, but because it was fate and planned that I would notice you, SHINee and your amazing dedication and work, and become a fan for life.

I would say, Please, don’t go, but I guess it’s time to let go now. I hope you will be happier in the other world.

You have worked hard. Goodbye for now.

Weakness

The past week has been nothing but horrible.

Sydney went for a house visit with a potential PA. They were a nice young couple that seem like they would be able to take good care of her. However the downside is that they were at work the whole day so she's left alone at home for long hours.

I was definitely sad when I heard about that. I mean, I could give her a house full of love and care, mum is always at home so she doesn't feel lonely, we are the perfect family for her. But yet I couldn't adopt her because of the parents' objections.

I am not one to give up easily, especially if it is things I feel strongly for. I attempted asking the parents again, begged and cried, gave them so many VALID reasons why I would be able to take care of Sydney and all they needed to do was to let her stay in our house. But alas, I was rejected again, over reasons that did not make sense to me.

Somehow I can never understand why they are so against me doing something so good, and I don't think I ever will.

I'm mentally and physically tired from this long battle, I just want to give up because I know I am fighting a losing battle.

I love you so much Syd, I am so so sorry for not being able to fight for you. If fate between us is meant to be, I am very sure we will cross paths again someday in the future. And by then I can happily and proudly say you're mine.

So, so tired of always giving.

Train thoughts

Ever had that fleeting moment when you walk the streets and wonder whether the person walking next to you, behind you, in front of you, may just play a significant role in your life next time? Or people around you that end up becoming a part of your future?

I can never fathom the human life, except revel in the beauty of life, and the beauty of living.