Unbeatable

These tears won’t stop flowing, I hate that I’m so soft-hearted, I hate that I’m always blaming myself for things that are not my fault, I hate that I’m always trying to please others.


I’m just so tired, I just want to stop being so weak in front of others.


Please, help me to be strong, help me to be brave against others. 

Raw Emotions

I’m typing this as I’m in the train, on the way to work. My thoughts are all fumbled up, but I want to keep these raw emotions in my memories forever so I’m hastily writing now.

I quarreled with my mum this morning. Not exactly those kind of big fights you will see on typical Korean dramas. Just a bicker over differing opinions. Personally, I hate it when I see other people pass judgements on people’s looks, appearance etc, sometimes even when they don’t even know those people. My parents has this habit of doing it. Like seeing people on the street and saying things like “Wah see that girl so fat!” Or “Wah see the guy so much shorter than the gf” I know they absolutely mean no harm, it’s just a topic for conversation if I can put it that way.  I mean they are not the only ones, I hear so many of such body shaming remarks everyday in the office, and it irks me so much and I feel so angry with myself because I don’t have the courage to fight back for my friends who are victims of such comments. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not some angel that makes no rude comments. I do, I’m only human. Sometimes in a fit of anger, I can’t help but have all these harsh comments running through my head. But I like to think that I am more conscious in what I say to people, especially if it’s personal remarks that I know can potentially hurt someone’s feelings. And I definitely do not make fun/ say derogatory comments towards people just for the sake of a convo starter.

I don’t know why I am so affected by it, maybe it’s because I have struggled with body image issues in the past, maybe it’s because I know how it feels to be called names. I can tell you for sure that no one ever wants to be called fat, no one ever wants to be called ugly, I certainly don’t think those bigger sized people made a deliberate choice to be big sized. I mean, you can say “yeah too bad, they did not love themselves, they brought it upon themselves”.

And then, SO WHAT?? Okay, they did not make good food choices, they are big sized. And then, so?? Does that give you any right to judge them for how they look? Everyone has a story behind them, they might be bigger sized Cos of their love for food, they might be bigger Cos of a medical condition, why are you so quick to judge? And in any case, does your judgement change anything? All it does is cause them to evoke a sense of self hate and guilt, and you have no right to make them feel that way. No one should ever have the right to make someone feel less worthy than others. You can argue that alerting them can make them aware of the health issues that can come with being overweight, but I don’t believe this is the right way to do it. There are so many other ways you can nicely tell them, encourage them to go for a run together with you etc etc, so why does body shaming justify as a way to create awareness? No it does not, and it should never be the way to go.

I digress from the main point of my quarrel, but it was something related to the above rant. So my mum loves buying dresses for me but she always likes to add remarks like “I think you can’t fit into the dress”, “I think it will be too tight for you”, “I think M size you confirm can’t wear, your Sister can wear”. I mean like, does saying all these make me feel any better? If you think I can’t wear it, then why buy it for me in the first place and make all these comments? Of course I understand my mum’s heart, I know she’s buying all these out of love for us, and I definitely know she does not mean anything bad saying all these, but yeah I just don’t like it (going back to my previous point). So the same thing happened this morning and I told her I could wear the dress but she insisted I won’t be able to fit. So I told her, “okay then you can give it to Jie to wear.” And then my mum got angry with me for being angry with her. #angryception

I left the house for work, leaving our quarrels unresolved and feeling a bit upset at how things always turn out this way whenever she buys clothes for me. It almost always ends up with this conclusion, of both of us being angry with each other and she calling me sensitive and I calling her insensitive. Hahaha Guess we are both ironically sensitive people for reacting the way we did.

So now as I am on my way to work, just before I wrote this,  I came across an article on LinkedIn talking about a new employee who asked her boss if she could take leave for a family vacation on her 2nd day of work. She said that the vacation was important to her dad and she needed to take that leave. And that got me thinking, that sometimes we forget what is the most important thing to us. We always neglect family time for friends, for work, treat our houses like hotels, have minimal conversations with the parents, the list goes on. I quarrel with my mum over the most senseless and unimportant things, and make her sad when all she thought of was to buy something nice for her Daughter. I remembered her face of disappointment as I left the house this morning, and I feel so bad about it. Sighh, we always regret things after they happen. I hope I can learn from this episode and treat my family better because they are everything to me.

A silent prayer

Has it been 10 years already?

My mind is in a mess right now, and my thoughts are all fumbled up.

It didn’t sink in at first, that you are gone from this world. Until 2 days ago when it struck me that I will never see the five of you standing on stage together again. That I would never be able to say the fan chants again. That I will never be able to hear Please, Don’t Go live again. That I will never be able to see your quirky and crazy moments on variety shows again.

You are gone. You have really departed this world and you won’t ever come back again.

You dedicated a decade of your life working so hard bringing joy and happiness to us, but inside you are struggling, gasping for breath. Hoping someone would realise and acknowledge your pain. And when they finally realised, it's too late. No one bothered to know the real you, no one cared how you truly felt.

You tried to reach out for help, you didn't want to leave the world this way. But you were mindlessly turned down and pushed into a corner.

It got me thinking how easily people brush off others and take depression as an illness too lightly. How people don’t see depression as an illness but a “weak mind”, and nonchalantly say “It’s all in your head. You can overcome it if you want to.”

Well if they could, they wouldn’t be begging you for help already. I can relate to this on all levels because I have been through it. Not depression, but similar. It is easy for others to say all these, but you are not the one going through it. You will never know how painful and difficult it is for the person struggling. To have gone to the extent of taking your own life, I’m sorry that you couldn’t see a better way out of this. I’m sorry that leaving this world and leaving everyone you love behind was the only way out for you.

It’s too late for regrets. It’s always too late for regrets. Humans never learn from their mistakes of treasuring someone or something until they are gone from your lives.

But I pray that you will go peacefully, that you will know that you are loved, you have been loved dearly. That you have done well, you have done really really well and we are all proud of you, so you should be proud of yourself too. I pray that the family and other members will not be in too much pain, that they will free themselves from guilt and continue living their lives bravely for themselves and for you.

Thank you for all the songs, for all the beautiful memories, for all the laughter that you gave to me and everyone else in the world. Thank you for blessing me with your angelic voice, thank you for coming into my life 10 years ago. Everything happens for a reason. You came into my life not by chance, but because it was fate and planned that I would notice you, SHINee and your amazing dedication and work, and become a fan for life.

I would say, Please, don’t go, but I guess it’s time to let go now. I hope you will be happier in the other world.

You have worked hard. Goodbye for now.

Weakness

The past week has been nothing but horrible.

Sydney went for a house visit with a potential PA. They were a nice young couple that seem like they would be able to take good care of her. However the downside is that they were at work the whole day so she's left alone at home for long hours.

I was definitely sad when I heard about that. I mean, I could give her a house full of love and care, mum is always at home so she doesn't feel lonely, we are the perfect family for her. But yet I couldn't adopt her because of the parents' objections.

I am not one to give up easily, especially if it is things I feel strongly for. I attempted asking the parents again, begged and cried, gave them so many VALID reasons why I would be able to take care of Sydney and all they needed to do was to let her stay in our house. But alas, I was rejected again, over reasons that did not make sense to me.

Somehow I can never understand why they are so against me doing something so good, and I don't think I ever will.

I'm mentally and physically tired from this long battle, I just want to give up because I know I am fighting a losing battle.

I love you so much Syd, I am so so sorry for not being able to fight for you. If fate between us is meant to be, I am very sure we will cross paths again someday in the future. And by then I can happily and proudly say you're mine.

So, so tired of always giving.

Train thoughts

Ever had that fleeting moment when you walk the streets and wonder whether the person walking next to you, behind you, in front of you, may just play a significant role in your life next time? Or people around you that end up becoming a part of your future?

I can never fathom the human life, except revel in the beauty of life, and the beauty of living. 

Life as a matter of choices

It's 2am now and I can't seem to fall asleep, it must be the tea I drank at 10pm that's causing my insomnia right now. So while I'm lying on bed now staring into black (literally) space, I decided that I will do some reflection on how this year has been so far for me.

Here's a picture just to depict what I'm looking at now lol.

This year has been one filled with extreme emotions, a year full of change, a year which saw me push myself past my limits and tip myself out of the comfort zone that I was stuck in for way too long.

I left my previous job in April, and for the first month I felt a sense of liberation and happiness. No more waking up at ungodly hours for shift work, no more replying emails, no more OT, no more reports to write. Everyday was just waking up, exercising, playing with my dogs, catching up on Netflix, eating and sleeping. Repeat. Repeat again. It honestly felt so good living a life with seemingly no worries at all.

Seemingly because deep down I had this nagging abomination of irresponsibility towards my life. Was it impulsive of me? Was it the herd mentality? Was I just finding all sorts of excuses for myself to escape from reality?

I couldn't give myself an answer. And honestly I don't think I had an answer for myself. All I felt was extreme disappointment in a girl who friends looked up to as someone who never gives up in anything that she does. And here I am, letting go in the face of uncertainty. I guess it didn't help that the parents were breathing down my neck and further attesting to the fact that I made a wrong choice giving up on a job that paid me well.

I was caught in this never-ending dilemma. One of trying to find any job quickly versus being ultra selective so that I can find a job im truly passionate about. But in this dilemma I find myself warped up in another dilemma. #dilemmaception What exactly am I passionate in? What if the things I thought I am good at doing and am passionate about turned out to be far from right?  

I pondered over these thoughts not knowing where I was heading towards in life. Kinda like a headless chicken running along a long, empty road that never seemed to cease. Before I knew it three months flew by and I was still at status quo. No job, no clue in what I want to do with my life.

Anxiety kicked in and thoughts of "just spamming resumes to any company" kept flooding my mind. I knew that was the wrong mindset. The same wrong mindset that led me to a bad decision, resulting in my departure from my previous job. But i didn't care. All I could think of was "I need a job, I need to get my life back on track."

I spammed resumes for a few days, and then some. But I don't know what happened but I guessed you could say I got lucky? Just when I was ready to accept fate and take any job offer that came my way, a company that I would kill to get in contacted me for an interview. 13 pages. That was the number of pages of questions I had prepared for the interview. I have never ever prepared so hard for an interview before. It was as if I was back in university again, preparing for finals. It was my dream job and I was dying to get in.

But as fate would have it, I guessed my luck ran out. I passed all the rounds of interview but failed at the final one because I lacked the technical skills they needed in the candidate taking up the role. What was I doing in the past three months when I could have picked up a new skill and ace this interview? Life is unpredictable as such, you take things for granted until the opportunity brushes past you, and by then regret comes too late and begging comes to naught.

I signed up for a course on that very day I got rejected by my dream company. It was a computer coding skill which I would never, never in the life of me learn unless I really had to. Despondency brought out the competitive spirit in me. I did not want to be the cause of any lost opportunities again. I'm really glad I did it, because coding turned out to be amazingly interesting and nothing like what I pictured it to be - boring and confusing.

In the midst of all this, I found a job. Not a job at my dream company, but a job I know I can confidently say I enjoy doing - not passionate about (at least it's too early to say now), but definitely not something I accepted "out of desperation". And looking back on the past five months, I regretted nothing. Phases of emotions I experienced over the past five months eventually led me back to a sense of calmness and balance. Five months was all it took to push me out of my comfort zone into this cruel world of uncertainty. 24 years of choosing to live in my own comfortable bubble ; now revived and renewed.

Life is a matter of choices. You choose what you want in life. To live within walls and be comfortable, or to step out and embrace challenges that come your way. You decide your life and no one has the right to intervene, because it is YOUR life and your own responsibility.

I am super excited about my new job and what is to come. And to my dream job, I guess you will have to wait for awhile. Perhaps by then my perspective and goals would have shifted, and my definition of what constitutes a dream job would have changed.

Guess I will never know until it comes.