Wednesday 20 December 2017

A silent prayer


Has it been 10 years already?

My mind is in a mess right now, and my thoughts are all fumbled up.

It didn’t sink in at first, that you are gone from this world. Until 2 days ago when it struck me that I will never see the five of you standing on stage together again. That I would never be able to say the fan chants again. That I will never be able to hear Please, Don’t Go live again. That I will never be able to see your quirky and crazy moments on variety shows again.

You are gone. You have really departed this world and you won’t ever come back again.

You dedicated a decade of your life working so hard bringing joy and happiness to us, but inside you are struggling, gasping for breath. Hoping someone would realise and acknowledge your pain. And when they finally realised, it's too late. No one bothered to know the real you, no one cared how you truly felt.

You tried to reach out for help, you didn't want to leave the world this way. But you were mindlessly turned down and pushed into a corner.

It got me thinking how easily people brush off others and take depression as an illness too lightly. How people don’t see depression as an illness but a “weak mind”, and nonchalantly say “It’s all in your head. You can overcome it if you want to.”

Well if they could, they wouldn’t be begging you for help already. I can relate to this on all levels because I have been through it. Not depression, but similar. It is easy for others to say all these, but you are not the one going through it. You will never know how painful and difficult it is for the person struggling. To have gone to the extent of taking your own life, I’m sorry that you couldn’t see a better way out of this. I’m sorry that leaving this world and leaving everyone you love behind was the only way out for you.

It’s too late for regrets. It’s always too late for regrets. Humans never learn from their mistakes of treasuring someone or something until they are gone from your lives.

But I pray that you will go peacefully, that you will know that you are loved, you have been loved dearly. That you have done well, you have done really really well and we are all proud of you, so you should be proud of yourself too. I pray that the family and other members will not be in too much pain, that they will free themselves from guilt and continue living their lives bravely for themselves and for you.

Thank you for all the songs, for all the beautiful memories, for all the laughter that you gave to me and everyone else in the world. Thank you for blessing me with your angelic voice, thank you for coming into my life 10 years ago. Everything happens for a reason. You came into my life not by chance, but because it was fate and planned that I would notice you, SHINee and your amazing dedication and work, and become a fan for life.

I would say, Please, don’t go, but I guess it’s time to let go now. I hope you will be happier in the other world.

You have worked hard. Goodbye for now.


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