Unique and Beautiful

Today I had a mini panic attack. There were so many things going on in my mind, so many things to deal with and I couldn’t manage. I felt breathless, felt like I couldn’t concentrate in anything. The feeling sucks so badly.

My event is coming up this Saturday, but there are so many things not settled. And I left the office for an interview feeling so much unease, which resulted in me screwing up my interview. <br> 

Coupled with some guy problems, I eventually sort of hyperventilated and felt so breathless in the train. Thankfully the sis called me at that moment and talking to her made me pour out all my emotions and cry it all out. Literally, I was sobbing uncontrollably at the train station lol. So embarrassing on hindsight. 

But it felt good letting it all out, it felt good talking to the sis. Knowing all my weak points and allowing myself to fall into the trap of self-loathing was bad, it was not okay, but the sis assured me that we are only humans. It’s okay to fall once in a while, it’s okay to feel worthless at times, but you got to learn to pick yourself up and move on. That’s what life is all about. You make mistakes, you learn and you move on.

It’s important to know how valuable you are, and you don’t live for other people’s values. You don’t have to BE like others, you just have to be yourself, and others will like you for who you are. 

It never gets easier, it just gets better. Press on Jas, you know you’re strong enough and you’re worth it. 

Unbeatable

These tears won’t stop flowing, I hate that I’m so soft-hearted, I hate that I’m always blaming myself for things that are not my fault, I hate that I’m always trying to please others.


I’m just so tired, I just want to stop being so weak in front of others.


Please, help me to be strong, help me to be brave against others. 

Raw Emotions

I’m typing this as I’m in the train, on the way to work. My thoughts are all fumbled up, but I want to keep these raw emotions in my memories forever so I’m hastily writing now.

I quarreled with my mum this morning. Not exactly those kind of big fights you will see on typical Korean dramas. Just a bicker over differing opinions. Personally, I hate it when I see other people pass judgements on people’s looks, appearance etc, sometimes even when they don’t even know those people. My parents has this habit of doing it. Like seeing people on the street and saying things like “Wah see that girl so fat!” Or “Wah see the guy so much shorter than the gf” I know they absolutely mean no harm, it’s just a topic for conversation if I can put it that way.  I mean they are not the only ones, I hear so many of such body shaming remarks everyday in the office, and it irks me so much and I feel so angry with myself because I don’t have the courage to fight back for my friends who are victims of such comments. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not some angel that makes no rude comments. I do, I’m only human. Sometimes in a fit of anger, I can’t help but have all these harsh comments running through my head. But I like to think that I am more conscious in what I say to people, especially if it’s personal remarks that I know can potentially hurt someone’s feelings. And I definitely do not make fun/ say derogatory comments towards people just for the sake of a convo starter.

I don’t know why I am so affected by it, maybe it’s because I have struggled with body image issues in the past, maybe it’s because I know how it feels to be called names. I can tell you for sure that no one ever wants to be called fat, no one ever wants to be called ugly, I certainly don’t think those bigger sized people made a deliberate choice to be big sized. I mean, you can say “yeah too bad, they did not love themselves, they brought it upon themselves”.

And then, SO WHAT?? Okay, they did not make good food choices, they are big sized. And then, so?? Does that give you any right to judge them for how they look? Everyone has a story behind them, they might be bigger sized Cos of their love for food, they might be bigger Cos of a medical condition, why are you so quick to judge? And in any case, does your judgement change anything? All it does is cause them to evoke a sense of self hate and guilt, and you have no right to make them feel that way. No one should ever have the right to make someone feel less worthy than others. You can argue that alerting them can make them aware of the health issues that can come with being overweight, but I don’t believe this is the right way to do it. There are so many other ways you can nicely tell them, encourage them to go for a run together with you etc etc, so why does body shaming justify as a way to create awareness? No it does not, and it should never be the way to go.

I digress from the main point of my quarrel, but it was something related to the above rant. So my mum loves buying dresses for me but she always likes to add remarks like “I think you can’t fit into the dress”, “I think it will be too tight for you”, “I think M size you confirm can’t wear, your Sister can wear”. I mean like, does saying all these make me feel any better? If you think I can’t wear it, then why buy it for me in the first place and make all these comments? Of course I understand my mum’s heart, I know she’s buying all these out of love for us, and I definitely know she does not mean anything bad saying all these, but yeah I just don’t like it (going back to my previous point). So the same thing happened this morning and I told her I could wear the dress but she insisted I won’t be able to fit. So I told her, “okay then you can give it to Jie to wear.” And then my mum got angry with me for being angry with her. #angryception

I left the house for work, leaving our quarrels unresolved and feeling a bit upset at how things always turn out this way whenever she buys clothes for me. It almost always ends up with this conclusion, of both of us being angry with each other and she calling me sensitive and I calling her insensitive. Hahaha Guess we are both ironically sensitive people for reacting the way we did.

So now as I am on my way to work, just before I wrote this,  I came across an article on LinkedIn talking about a new employee who asked her boss if she could take leave for a family vacation on her 2nd day of work. She said that the vacation was important to her dad and she needed to take that leave. And that got me thinking, that sometimes we forget what is the most important thing to us. We always neglect family time for friends, for work, treat our houses like hotels, have minimal conversations with the parents, the list goes on. I quarrel with my mum over the most senseless and unimportant things, and make her sad when all she thought of was to buy something nice for her Daughter. I remembered her face of disappointment as I left the house this morning, and I feel so bad about it. Sighh, we always regret things after they happen. I hope I can learn from this episode and treat my family better because they are everything to me.

A silent prayer

Has it been 10 years already?

My mind is in a mess right now, and my thoughts are all fumbled up.

It didn’t sink in at first, that you are gone from this world. Until 2 days ago when it struck me that I will never see the five of you standing on stage together again. That I would never be able to say the fan chants again. That I will never be able to hear Please, Don’t Go live again. That I will never be able to see your quirky and crazy moments on variety shows again.

You are gone. You have really departed this world and you won’t ever come back again.

You dedicated a decade of your life working so hard bringing joy and happiness to us, but inside you are struggling, gasping for breath. Hoping someone would realise and acknowledge your pain. And when they finally realised, it's too late. No one bothered to know the real you, no one cared how you truly felt.

You tried to reach out for help, you didn't want to leave the world this way. But you were mindlessly turned down and pushed into a corner.

It got me thinking how easily people brush off others and take depression as an illness too lightly. How people don’t see depression as an illness but a “weak mind”, and nonchalantly say “It’s all in your head. You can overcome it if you want to.”

Well if they could, they wouldn’t be begging you for help already. I can relate to this on all levels because I have been through it. Not depression, but similar. It is easy for others to say all these, but you are not the one going through it. You will never know how painful and difficult it is for the person struggling. To have gone to the extent of taking your own life, I’m sorry that you couldn’t see a better way out of this. I’m sorry that leaving this world and leaving everyone you love behind was the only way out for you.

It’s too late for regrets. It’s always too late for regrets. Humans never learn from their mistakes of treasuring someone or something until they are gone from your lives.

But I pray that you will go peacefully, that you will know that you are loved, you have been loved dearly. That you have done well, you have done really really well and we are all proud of you, so you should be proud of yourself too. I pray that the family and other members will not be in too much pain, that they will free themselves from guilt and continue living their lives bravely for themselves and for you.

Thank you for all the songs, for all the beautiful memories, for all the laughter that you gave to me and everyone else in the world. Thank you for blessing me with your angelic voice, thank you for coming into my life 10 years ago. Everything happens for a reason. You came into my life not by chance, but because it was fate and planned that I would notice you, SHINee and your amazing dedication and work, and become a fan for life.

I would say, Please, don’t go, but I guess it’s time to let go now. I hope you will be happier in the other world.

You have worked hard. Goodbye for now.

Weakness

The past week has been nothing but horrible.

Sydney went for a house visit with a potential PA. They were a nice young couple that seem like they would be able to take good care of her. However the downside is that they were at work the whole day so she's left alone at home for long hours.

I was definitely sad when I heard about that. I mean, I could give her a house full of love and care, mum is always at home so she doesn't feel lonely, we are the perfect family for her. But yet I couldn't adopt her because of the parents' objections.

I am not one to give up easily, especially if it is things I feel strongly for. I attempted asking the parents again, begged and cried, gave them so many VALID reasons why I would be able to take care of Sydney and all they needed to do was to let her stay in our house. But alas, I was rejected again, over reasons that did not make sense to me.

Somehow I can never understand why they are so against me doing something so good, and I don't think I ever will.

I'm mentally and physically tired from this long battle, I just want to give up because I know I am fighting a losing battle.

I love you so much Syd, I am so so sorry for not being able to fight for you. If fate between us is meant to be, I am very sure we will cross paths again someday in the future. And by then I can happily and proudly say you're mine.

So, so tired of always giving.

Train thoughts

Ever had that fleeting moment when you walk the streets and wonder whether the person walking next to you, behind you, in front of you, may just play a significant role in your life next time? Or people around you that end up becoming a part of your future?

I can never fathom the human life, except revel in the beauty of life, and the beauty of living. 

Life as a matter of choices

It's 2am now and I can't seem to fall asleep, it must be the tea I drank at 10pm that's causing my insomnia right now. So while I'm lying on bed now staring into black (literally) space, I decided that I will do some reflection on how this year has been so far for me.

Here's a picture just to depict what I'm looking at now lol.

This year has been one filled with extreme emotions, a year full of change, a year which saw me push myself past my limits and tip myself out of the comfort zone that I was stuck in for way too long.

I left my previous job in April, and for the first month I felt a sense of liberation and happiness. No more waking up at ungodly hours for shift work, no more replying emails, no more OT, no more reports to write. Everyday was just waking up, exercising, playing with my dogs, catching up on Netflix, eating and sleeping. Repeat. Repeat again. It honestly felt so good living a life with seemingly no worries at all.

Seemingly because deep down I had this nagging abomination of irresponsibility towards my life. Was it impulsive of me? Was it the herd mentality? Was I just finding all sorts of excuses for myself to escape from reality?

I couldn't give myself an answer. And honestly I don't think I had an answer for myself. All I felt was extreme disappointment in a girl who friends looked up to as someone who never gives up in anything that she does. And here I am, letting go in the face of uncertainty. I guess it didn't help that the parents were breathing down my neck and further attesting to the fact that I made a wrong choice giving up on a job that paid me well.

I was caught in this never-ending dilemma. One of trying to find any job quickly versus being ultra selective so that I can find a job im truly passionate about. But in this dilemma I find myself warped up in another dilemma. #dilemmaception What exactly am I passionate in? What if the things I thought I am good at doing and am passionate about turned out to be far from right?  

I pondered over these thoughts not knowing where I was heading towards in life. Kinda like a headless chicken running along a long, empty road that never seemed to cease. Before I knew it three months flew by and I was still at status quo. No job, no clue in what I want to do with my life.

Anxiety kicked in and thoughts of "just spamming resumes to any company" kept flooding my mind. I knew that was the wrong mindset. The same wrong mindset that led me to a bad decision, resulting in my departure from my previous job. But i didn't care. All I could think of was "I need a job, I need to get my life back on track."

I spammed resumes for a few days, and then some. But I don't know what happened but I guessed you could say I got lucky? Just when I was ready to accept fate and take any job offer that came my way, a company that I would kill to get in contacted me for an interview. 13 pages. That was the number of pages of questions I had prepared for the interview. I have never ever prepared so hard for an interview before. It was as if I was back in university again, preparing for finals. It was my dream job and I was dying to get in.

But as fate would have it, I guessed my luck ran out. I passed all the rounds of interview but failed at the final one because I lacked the technical skills they needed in the candidate taking up the role. What was I doing in the past three months when I could have picked up a new skill and ace this interview? Life is unpredictable as such, you take things for granted until the opportunity brushes past you, and by then regret comes too late and begging comes to naught.

I signed up for a course on that very day I got rejected by my dream company. It was a computer coding skill which I would never, never in the life of me learn unless I really had to. Despondency brought out the competitive spirit in me. I did not want to be the cause of any lost opportunities again. I'm really glad I did it, because coding turned out to be amazingly interesting and nothing like what I pictured it to be - boring and confusing.

In the midst of all this, I found a job. Not a job at my dream company, but a job I know I can confidently say I enjoy doing - not passionate about (at least it's too early to say now), but definitely not something I accepted "out of desperation". And looking back on the past five months, I regretted nothing. Phases of emotions I experienced over the past five months eventually led me back to a sense of calmness and balance. Five months was all it took to push me out of my comfort zone into this cruel world of uncertainty. 24 years of choosing to live in my own comfortable bubble ; now revived and renewed.

Life is a matter of choices. You choose what you want in life. To live within walls and be comfortable, or to step out and embrace challenges that come your way. You decide your life and no one has the right to intervene, because it is YOUR life and your own responsibility.

I am super excited about my new job and what is to come. And to my dream job, I guess you will have to wait for awhile. Perhaps by then my perspective and goals would have shifted, and my definition of what constitutes a dream job would have changed.

Guess I will never know until it comes.

Revived

Sorry for the previous emo post, so heres a beautiful sunset picture to take away all the negativity.

Guess I really needed a place to rant and my blog was the best option. I'm glad to say that with each emo rant, I recover and move on with life. Such is life right? Theres always sadness and unhappiness, but theres no time for regrets. You just got to pick yourself up and get going again, and with each failure, you trudge along braver and stronger.

I had a mixture of emotions overwhelming me the past few days/weeks, and it got unbearable at one point that I couldn't wring myself out of it. It was so bad that I could not bring myself to do anything. I had no energy, all I wanted to do was just lay in bed and sulk. My mind was filled totally with the issue at hand, and I finally told myself that I had to do it for myself. To get out of this mess. I won't really talk about what this issue is since its in the past and I should just let bygones be bygones, but long story short was I did it. I did it and made the effort to pull myself out from the wrecked mess.

The outcome wasn't very pretty, I felt embarrassed and angry with myself for being so stubborn and making myself look like a fool. I knew deep down inside that the final outcome would be like that, but I knew I had to choose one option: be embarrassed or get out of this misery. Of course I chose the latter, because I wanted to move on with life. There's no time for regrets, there's no time to waste on such ridiculous stuff that was filling my mind. My life was worth more than all these.

I'm truly glad I did it in the end, because amidst all the embarrassment that I felt, I knew I was truly revived again. Recovered and getting myself out of this mess. I saw the issue clearly for what it was, accepted the outcome, and moved on with life. Now I feel like this big burden that had been weighing down on me for the past year was finally being lifted off my chest. And I know I can finally put down everything and move on with life and be happier.

Life is a continuous lesson, with each failure comes success. As the saying goes, "The only way is up".

The only way is up, Jas. You will only become better.

Despondence

Putting down your pride to do something you feel embarrassed about, is the worst feeling ever.

Sometimes I really really hate my never-give-up personality, why do I have to be so insistent in things, when I know what the final outcome will be? Why am I trying to force things to happen, when I know they won't? Something at the back of my mind just keeps telling me "just try, you got to make the effort first in order for things to happen." And "if you never try you'd never know."

And this is where it sucks. Because I'm putting myself in a vulnerable situation and just preparing myself for failure. There's always that possibility that everything will come to naught after i tried, and that feeling is the worst ever.

I know this feeling too well, so why do I keep allowing myself to get into such situations?

Post Holiday Blues~

So I am back from a month full of holidays, and im having severe post holiday blues right now. Served my notice in my previous company at the beginning of April, and I hopped onto a plane to Korea to catch the cherry blossoms. It is the sixth time I am in Korea, but the first time I am visiting during Spring season. Haha I can never get sick of Korea, really. It is a place that holds special memories for me, and I feel so comfortable there it really kinda feels like second home.

Anyway, the cherry blossoms were beautiful, but not breathtaking enough for me to want to see it again. Maybe it was because I caught the cherry blossoms nearing the end of its bloom, so the flowers had already lost its vibrant colors and were just a dull pink shade. But I count my blessings, at least I was fortunate to be able to see this sight once in my life.

That was the highlight of the trip. The rest of my trip was spent shopping and eating in Seoul, which, as boring as it sounds, it really isn't. I went to Korea with my exchange friends, so we pretty much knew our way around and knew where all the good food and shopping were at. Seoul is a shopping and food haven, so if you do want to know where to go in Seoul to get the best deals, hit me up and I will be glad to share them with you! :)

After a week, I was off to Hokkaido to meet my family. We decided on a family trip at the last minute because we realised there was a extended weekend due to Good Friday. I had always dreamt of visiting Hokkaido because of the unbelievable scenery pictures I saw on the internet. True enough, Hokkaido's scenery was nothing short of amazing. The sights I saw were simply indescribable in words, so I shall let my pictures do the talking.

 Mt Tengu, Otaru

 Noboribetsu, Hell Valley

 Shirahige Waterfalls, Biei

Blue Pond, Biei

Of course, I had some pretty good seafood and chirashi rice bowls there as well!

Ikura Hotate don

Oh, to add on to my already awesome holiday, I met some of my favourite Kpop idols there haha. Yes, I was a secret Kpop fan. Okay I mean I do still listen to Kpop songs now, but I don't think I am as idol crazy as I was last time. I think its really true that you will grow out of these stuff once you get older. I just kind of gradually stopped following the new bands when I started University. Now I only listen to songs from the older bands that I used to listen to when I was fervently following Kpop. And I happened to meet the band that I used to listen to in my teenage days!! So it was really a surprise for me, and I was definitely excited to meet them. Haha I took a photo with them, but I shall not post it here cos I think my face was pretty cui there LOL. So to save my ass, I will just keep them for myself hehehe. Unless you really want to see them. I might oblige and show it to you if you ask, but maybe only after I mosaic out my face hahaha.

Hokkaido was pretty awesome also because I got to spend time with my family. I can't even remember when was the last time we all went on a holiday together. So it was great spending time together and having fun! :)

I was back in Singapore for a week before I left for another short getaway, this time to Batam. I was there over the Labour Day long weekend with my closest clique of friends, and we went to a kelong to stay, to experience life as it was back in the old days. I admit I was initially skeptical if i will enjoy the trip, because how fun can doing nothing at a kelong be right? To a city kid like me, no wifi/internet = no fun. I kept worrying about how I am going to contact my friends and family when I am there, how am I going to update my instagram story etc.

Luckily, my worries were all for naught because doing nothing can really be so fun. And I don't mean it sarcastically. The three days there passed in a blink of an eye because we were having so much fun just playing board games, lying on hammocks, playing frisbee, talking about life, chilling and star gazing. Some of my friends even tried their hands at fishing there. And it felt really, really good just disconnecting with the outside world for that three days, with no worries about job hunting, no stress about errands to run and emails to reply.

And contrary to what most people think, the kelong was very clean and comfortable to stay in. There was no aircon and only limited hot water everyday, but that wasn't really a problem to me since I am not very reliant on aircon anyway.

My friends brought their boyfriends along as well, so it was really nice getting to know all of them better through this trip! Hopefully in our next trip together everyone can bring along their boyfriends hahaha! (stress for the single gals to quickly find a partner haha)

So with that, I am finally back in Singapore after a long period of travel. The month of April just flew by like that because I was having so much fun traveling the world. How nice will it be to just travel for the rest of my life haha. And because I was away for most of the month having fun, I am now having severe withdrawal symptoms and am finding it hard to get back to reality. Everyday I just feel like lazing in bed and not doing anything. Haha but I am slowly getting back on track! I think writing this blog post is a good start and progress. Cos at least I am exercising my brain and fingers instead of spamming dramas in bed. Next step will be to start planning my fitness and diet schedule and get back to a healthy lifestyle. All that feasting in the past month had some detrimental effect on my waistline, so I better stop procrastinating or I might just end up having to revamp my wardrobe with larger sized clothes haha. Oh, and time to find a job too. I really hope I can find a job that I will really love and be passionate about.

Okay I should probably stop chattering away and get some real work done. Till the next post! :)

Happy Thoughts

Just thought I'd post a quick update here. I finally got my ass to the gym today after a week of inactivity. Cos of my shift work which starts at 330am, I couldn't get used to it and constantly felt so tired I could not bring myself to visit the gym.

But that is all just excuses and I know it myself. If I want something badly, I would do anything to achieve it. I was reading this blog earlier and the guy said: "You're in control of yourself, so if you don't achieve your goals, don't blame anyone else. Fucking blame yourself and all your excuses. You have no one else to blame but yourself."

SO.DAMN.RIGHT.

Hate to admit it but there is nothing about that statement I can go against. My goals are set by myself, and if I don't reach it I have only myself to blame and no one else.

I told myself I had to do it today. I got to start so that that inertia will be gone. And otw to the gym it was really painful. Like you have no idea how big that inertia was. I was 90% gonna give up and just go home to sleep. But I kept thinking about my goals. How much better I would feel after a workout, even if it is a short one.

And I am so freaking glad I went, even tho it was just a short sesh. I felt so happy and healthy and energetic the moment I started gymming. I always forget how happy I feel to be in the gym, or just exercising. I forgot how much I loved this lifestyle of mine, pushing hard everyday and feeling good about myself.

Although my diet wasn't good today, little steps at a time. You can be sure I'm going to the gym again tomorrow, and it's a new day, new start, and I'm gonna tackle that diet weakness of mine again.

• Remember those people that are waiting for you to prove them wrong•

128 days, bring it on jas.

Dreams Vs Realities

             

You dream of the perfect guy, but you end up with a reality of choosing someone less than perfect.
You dream of the ideal body, but you end up with a reality of a less than perfect shape.
You dream of good grades, but you end up with a reality of mediocre results.
You dream of the best job, but you end up with a reality of choosing stability over passion.

It sucks.

As a person who over-thinks into every single thing, you can expect how these thoughts bother me everyday. The "What ifs" of life, the constant thinking of why things don't go the way I want/expect them to.

Well, the fact about this is that there will never be an end to this constant expectation of life. The definition of Dream, is "an aspiration". Dreams are a manifestation of what we imagine our lives to be, dreams are what we hope can become a reality, but more importantly, dreams exists so that we have a goal in life to work towards to.

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You dream of the perfect guy, with a set of almost impossible criteria to meet. But you end up loving a guy who is just average looking, and may or may not have met your list of initial expectations. It is perfectly normal to dream and want the best for yourself, but why do most people eventually settle for less than expected? This guy may not be the most handsome guy around, but he cares deeply for you. This guy may not be the most humorous guy around, but he is able to make you laugh and smile everyday. This guy may not be the smartest guy around, but he shares the same frequency of thoughts with you and you are able to click with him. Your criteria of the perfect guy starts to change, but it is not because you have decided to settle for less, he simply becomes the dream guy that you have always wanted. The same idea goes for girls. The learning point that I gained about relationships, is to never ever change yourself for someone else. The guy, or girl that you want to spend the rest of your life with should, and has to love you for who you are.

Someone once told me that I was being over-friendly and guys may get the wrong idea. Heck, that has always been my personality and I will never change myself just because of what others think of me. As long as I know my conscience is clear, and no one gets hurt in the process (unless it is something bad and worth changing), I cannot help it if you choose to judge me and think of me in a negative way. That only goes to show that this friendship/relationship is not worth keeping because we cannot reach a common level of understanding. I will continue to stay true to my personality because I know one day, there will be someone out there who understands, appreciates me and loves me for who I am.

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Not happy with how you look and always dreaming of getting that toned body? Then you have set a goal for yourself. Exercise more and eat healthily, and you are one step closer to your dream body.
Most of my friends around me know I have been battling a long history of eating disorders. From anorexia to binge eating, my weight has fluctuated non-stop over the years. I admit I do get deeply affected by unkind comments like: "Wah, you put on a lot of weight hor?" or "Why you never maintain your weight? Last time look so much better." There were countless nights where I spent crying, feeling sad and asking why does it have to happen to me. However over the years I start to realize that I cannot stop people from saying what they want. They do not even know that you are facing such a problem. Are their words going to change anything? Are you going to give up on life and wallow in self pity because you cannot accept criticisms? Nope, never for me. In fact, these comments gives me the extra motivation to push towards my goals. Everyday I am still fighting and pushing hard for what I want, because I know that nothing is impossible as long as you work hard and put your heart into it.

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Feeling upset with your results in school and always dreaming of getting good grades like your peers? Then you have a goal to work towards to. Find out what is wrong with your studying methods, learn from better people around you, clarify your mistakes, put in double the effort as compared to your classmates. I did not get into university the first time I applied because my results were not good enough. It was one of the darkest moments in my life. All this while, my education life was smooth sailing. I moved from primary to secondary school to junior college... and naturally I always expected to continue on to university together with my friends. I took it very hard on myself initially, feeling embarrassed that I was the only stupid person amongst my friends, angry that I worked as hard as my peers yet it all came to naught. I was honestly so lost at that point in time, because this situation that occurred was never in the grand master plan of my life. I'm glad I have the most supportive family and friends who pulled me out of this black hole that I was sinking into. They taught me that there will always be setbacks, and life will never, ever go the way you plan. But the most important thing is to never give up. The hard work that you put in will eventually pay off. I decided to face my failures bravely, and continue to work hard towards my dream of getting into one of the top 3 universities in Singapore. Eventually I did achieve my goal, and now I have successfully graduated from NUS. In retrospect, this obstacle was actually a blessing in disguise for me. I may have taken the longer route as compared to my same batch peers, but I have gained numerous life lessons and new friends that I wouldn't trade the world for.

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You dream of getting the job that you are so passionate about, but you are faced with the dilemma that it does not pay as well as compared to a job that you have less interest in. Would you rather choose the latter job and feel so sick of reporting to work everyday, or would you choose the former, enjoy the work process and slowly work your way up the career ladder? If you choose to follow your passion, you are one step closer to your dream. If you choose the job that may pay you better, you sacrifice emotional happiness for material happiness. I guess both ways of thinking aren't wrong. When you choose your passion, you gain immediate joy but you may struggle in the long run because life may become unsustainable . When you choose to accept the higher paying job, you gain stability in life but work becomes meaningless and less enjoyable. So what choice will you make?


I am one of those who will say, "Money is not important! I rather do something I like rather than feel miserable everyday." Some of you may laugh at my naïve way of thinking. Well maybe it is. But I guess for now, when I am still young, free and not tied down by having to support a family, learning and chasing my dreams matters more to me than money. Who knows, in a couple of years, I may not be able to confidently say that this is the route I want to take. Maybe when I start to feel that I am responsible for someone else's life, I will decide that stability precedes passion. Ultimately, no one can and should influence your decision. It is your life, and your choice to make, and whichever path you choose, you have to be prepared to deal with the final consequences.

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The only thing that stands between your dreams and reality is you yourself.

Dreams exist to give you a meaning in life. It's hard to imagine seeing your dreams become reality, but I have seen some of mine come true. And these are sufficient enough to keep me pressing on to make the rest of my dreams become reality. As long as you do not lose sight of your end goal, anything is possible. Your dreams can become your reality too if you start believing in yourself. :)


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Finding myself

"But here’s the truth about being lost – we’re only ever as lost as we are in denial. When we don’t want the past to be over and the future looks too daunting to touch, we call it lost."

"Getting found, by definition, is the simple act of recognizing where you are. You don’t need to retrace your steps, send up a smoke signal, or ask for directions to elsewhere. You simply have to recognize that you’re somewhere new now. Somewhere different and challenging and less than ideal, maybe. But there you are. And to find yourself somewhere new, you simply need to start walking."

So its time to start walking, and to start believing you can do it.

Gym rat

School has started and the work is piling uppppp. On top of school, I am juggling teaching tuition, part time internships and writing as a freelancer. This is definitely the first time I am trying to manage so many things at one go.

Definitely feeling the stress, but somehow I feel super motivated and satisfied at the end of every day. The days are passing so quickly but every single day is well spent completing all I need to do.

The only me time I have right now is gymming. Yes, you heard that right haha. People will probably think I am crazy, with the little time I have for myself I could spend it on better things like watching a movie or catching up with friends. But to me, ever since I jumped onto the gymming bandwagon 5 years ago, I never really stopped and looked back. I think I have been pretty consistent in these years. And I can only think of one reason why: passion. I think passion for what I'm doing keeps me going. I truly enjoy gymming every single time and never really found it a chore.

To me, its all about pushing myself to the limits. The human body works in amazing ways and these few years have been a truly eye opening experience for me. From being obese my whole life, to becoming anorexic, to becoming a binge eater, to a gym addict now. My body has gone through extreme changes throughout the years. There were many tears shed, and the past few years have probably been the worst years of my life.

Yet I want to look at it positively. The past few years have thought me to cherish myself more, and through that I found my true passion and strive to keep improving and going on. My mental strength is definitely stronger now than it has ever been, and now I never ever give up no matter how many times I fail.

I have been progressing, and I really look forward to coming back to this post a few months down, and smiling and giving myself a pat on the back for pushing on, for fighting for what I truly want, and achieving it.

"There will be times in your life where you’re challenged, where nothing seems to be going right, when obstacles throw themselves in your way and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

But one thing to remember is that you're never alone. While on this fitness journey, I have seen so many people silently supporting me, and believing that I can do it. 

And for these people, you get stronger. Because these people will be here for you rain or shine. 

Immensely grateful to every single one of you who never gave up believing in me, and for that I will never ever give up."

Rants and progress

Been neglecting this space way too long, feeling ashamed of my body, feeling helpless that a determined and fit girl like me in the past could let myself get to this stage.

I was doing very well, currently on a keto diet that was recommended to me by my trainer and im so thankful for it. I love the diet, but yet I find it so difficult to explain to people who are not into fitness esp people close to you when all they do is give judgy looks and make insensitive comments like "won't eating bacon and pb make you put on weight? " Or "why haven't you made any progress after so long? "

And they get angry with me when I get pissed off and don't bother replying. When they say they were asking all these out of concern. Yeah that's the reason why I'm getting pissed off. Like why can't you just show your support? It's not like I have been doing this fitness thing temporarily. It has been in almost every part of my life. I am serious about it and the least you could do is to show me some postive support.

Yeah well I am progressing,  if that's wht you're wondering. Slow like what you said because I have not completely gotten over my binging but yet I can't say it to you cos you will never understand. Slow but steady. I will show you what I'm capable of.<p>

Well the trigger behind this post was cos I binged today and I feel horrible. I was wallowing in self pity, wondering why I gave up when I was doing so well. And I saw this progress pictures, 2 weeks in (left before, right after) and I remembered how proud I was of seeing this small progress. And then I realised how I pulled through the last two weeks. I did not care about what other people thought about me, I did what I had to do to fight for my goals. And this is what I am going to do from now. I am posting all my food and progress pictures here to be accountable for myself. And because heck this , I am doing it for myself and no one else. And there's no more time to dwell on the past like I do last time. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to smash it.

#jas90daychallenge #ngujas #fitspo #fitnessmotivation #ketogenic #fitness #healthy #goals #determination #discipline #iwillgetthere

Undergraduate dilemma

My life has been pretty awesome so far I must say, work has been going well, colleagues are nice to me and compliments have been coming. It is nice to hear such stuff, I mean who doesn't like to hear all these right hahah! Time is really passing so fast that I can't believe I am already into my 5th month of internship. I think in every blog post I seem to always comment about how fast time is flying by. And so yes, it is indeed going past so quickly, that I am going to start school again next semester. After 1 year of not studying, suddenly I feel so lazy and sian to go back. I mean, I really do love school, cos of my friends and lessons are genuinely interesting, I just hate the exams and assignments. I hate the fact that we have to take exams to judge our calibre. I hate that everyone, including me is stuck in this rat race, studying so hard just to get that paper qualification, even if the things we are studying are irrelevant to the future working life. I hate that 1 paper determines our worth, our fate.

I hate that I am so fickle minded. I am stuck in this dilemma once again, thinking if I should follow the crowd and get a honours degree, just so that I can have that paper, just so that I can match up to everyone else's standards. Deep down inside me I know that studying 1 extra year will not help me gain much knowledge related to real life work, but yet im caught between having to do it because it may be an important factor in helping me to secure a job. I honestly do not care about the fact that people with an honours degree are gonna get a higher pay than me, I am not that career minded. As long as I can have enough to support myself, and most importantly do what I like to do, that is all that matters.

But I cannot get past myself. I cannot get past the fact that I may be going another path different from all my friends who are doing honours. Thinking to myself will I regret it if I do not do it in future, thinking if I will lose out in future if I do not have that degree, thinking if I am lousier than everyone else if i do not do it, all these are causing me to feel so unsure of what I should do. The fact that not doing it MAY cause me to lose out on a job that I want to do just because another person has that extra paper...I am seriously so confused.

Yet the thought of having to stay 1/2 year longer than all of my friends if I were to take honours, thinking about the fact that I will be 25 by the time I graduate if I take honours seriously makes me feel so bothered. I know time shouldn't be a factor, I know friends shouldn't be a factor because this is MY life, I have to make the decisions for myself, but hey I am just a human as well, and I cannot stop all these different emotions from coming.

I just hope that I can figure out a clear answer for myself soon, and hope that that is something that I will not regret in future.

Stronger and Better

So... I have neglected this blog for far too long, been busy with work, been busy with exercise, been busy with catching up with everybody, been busy with finding just about every excuse i can find.

I have been toying with the idea of changing this blog's title and url to my own personalised one, just so that I can continue to keep this blog alive, with my daily rants. 2 months have passed since I came back from exchange and I am finally dragging my ass off to get down to making this a reality.

Ever since my 21st birthday, I have been constantly in a slump. A slump I created for myself. A darkness of dieting, hard core exercising and binge eating. Time and time again I feel so determined to get out of it and get back the old Jaslynn, but time and again I fail. Posting on social media used to be a way for me to motivate myself to reach my goals, but now it seems more of a fear, a fear that people are asking me about my seemingly empty promises. Well, I can't blame them cos they are not me, they do not know what I am going through. And these are the very people that I want to prove wrong, other than fighting for my own goals. I know I will reach there one day, I just dont know when. I know I have it in me, I have seen that determination and discipline, that fire in me. It is just taking a bit longer to come back this time.

I am currently doing personal training with my biggest motivation and inspiration and to be honest, the price tag isn't cheap. Thinking that the price will force me to be disciplined and work hard, but 4 weeks in and I am not really progressing, because of my random binges. I hate myself for this, hate that I can sacrifice so much like waking up at 5am to exercise, sacrificing time with friends but my eating has to screw it all up. I feel more and more depressed each day, feeling so unhealthy and hating to go out, to shop, to meet friends because I dont have a shit to wear or I just get too conscious of myself.

I hate it cos I start getting so irritable, always pmsing at my friends and family, and half the time I dont know why I am angry. I try to control my emotions, but it is just raging on the inside of me. I don't hate myself, I hate that I made myself into this wreck. I hate that demon inside me that is trying to take over me each time. One binge can throw me off totally, make me so annoyed with anything and everything, coops me up at home. I am at my heaviest now. But I am not going to let this demon inside of me win this. It will never win.

Because you know what? I am stronger than this. I am Unbroken and Unstoppable. And I vowed the shit of my life that when I get cured of all this misery, I am going to help those people who are going through the same shit as I am. No one deserves to go through all this. We are all in this world for a reason.

I am not going to let my money, my time and my effort go to waste. I am going to prove to those people who say I can't, in their face, that I CAN and i am going to gain that respect that I should have. Binged yesterday but so what? Im and going to pick myself up and start running again, start running towards my goals. Pain is there to make you stronger, failure is just an opportunity for you to start again more intelligently, to eventually succeed.

I am never ever ever going to give up, no matter how many times I fail. And the road to success starts with me.

#DUOGRAPEESINSEOUL

The sister came over to visit me!!! And also to holiday heehee! Luckily I have a sister who loves to plan trips and all, so she planned almost the whole trip LOL while I focused on being their translator (albeit such a lousy one haha) and bringing them around Seoul for good food and good places to go!

The holiday was 2 weeks long, so I can't possibly blog about everything, so I will just summarize it with picturesssss~! LEZZGOOOO!

Alpensia Ski Resort

Synchronised Swimming anyone?

haha finally a successful shot!

 

Mirror maze~

Knocked out LOL

    Jeju Island 

  Loveland

 

Sangumburi crater

Trying our best to get step photos LOL

 Hallasan (otw there and at the bottom, SUPER BEAUTIFUL~)

Jusangjeolli Ciffs

Osulloc Green Tea Museum+ Innisfree Jejuhouse

 

Glass Castle

 

 

Seongsan Illchubong Sunrise Peak 

(Woke up at 5am to catch this, totally worth it!!)

 

Trying to do a timelapse video for the sunrise! Hopefully it will be done soon haha!

Bukchon Hanok Village

 

먹쉬돈나!( super goooddddd)

Cafe 달 (My favorite place for patbingsu and waffles:))

 

Incheon Chinatown+Fairytale village

상상다방 Puppy cafe!

Nami Island

Petite France

 

Ohyang Jokbal

Sulbing (Korean dessert cafe)

 

Trying on Hanboks at Myeongdong LOL

Cafe-Hopping!!

Cafe Hoho Myoll~

Cafe Noriter

 

Love you Chair~!:)