Wednesday 23 December 2015

Finding myself

"But here’s the truth about being lost – we’re only ever as lost as we are in denial. When we don’t want the past to be over and the future looks too daunting to touch, we call it lost."

"Getting found, by definition, is the simple act of recognizing where you are. You don’t need to retrace your steps, send up a smoke signal, or ask for directions to elsewhere. You simply have to recognize that you’re somewhere new now. Somewhere different and challenging and less than ideal, maybe. But there you are. And to find yourself somewhere new, you simply need to start walking."

So its time to start walking, and to start believing you can do it.

Friday 4 September 2015

Gym rat

School has started and the work is piling uppppp. On top of school, I am juggling teaching tuition, part time internships and writing as a freelancer. This is definitely the first time I am trying to manage so many things at one go.

Definitely feeling the stress, but somehow I feel super motivated and satisfied at the end of every day. The days are passing so quickly but every single day is well spent completing all I need to do.

The only me time I have right now is gymming. Yes, you heard that right haha. People will probably think I am crazy, with the little time I have for myself I could spend it on better things like watching a movie or catching up with friends. But to me, ever since I jumped onto the gymming bandwagon 5 years ago, I never really stopped and looked back. I think I have been pretty consistent in these years. And I can only think of one reason why: passion. I think passion for what I'm doing keeps me going. I truly enjoy gymming every single time and never really found it a chore.

To me, its all about pushing myself to the limits. The human body works in amazing ways and these few years have been a truly eye opening experience for me. From being obese my whole life, to becoming anorexic, to becoming a binge eater, to a gym addict now. My body has gone through extreme changes throughout the years. There were many tears shed, and the past few years have probably been the worst years of my life.

Yet I want to look at it positively. The past few years have thought me to cherish myself more, and through that I found my true passion and strive to keep improving and going on. My mental strength is definitely stronger now than it has ever been, and now I never ever give up no matter how many times I fail.

I have been progressing, and I really look forward to coming back to this post a few months down, and smiling and giving myself a pat on the back for pushing on, for fighting for what I truly want, and achieving it.

Monday 15 June 2015

"There will be times in your life where you’re challenged, where nothing seems to be going right, when obstacles throw themselves in your way and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

But one thing to remember is that you're never alone. While on this fitness journey, I have seen so many people silently supporting me, and believing that I can do it.

And for these people, you get stronger. Because these people will be here for you rain or shine.

Immensely grateful to every single one of you who never gave up believing in me, and for that I will never ever give up."

Wednesday 10 June 2015

Rants and progress

Been neglecting this space way too long, feeling ashamed of my body, feeling helpless that a determined and fit girl like me in the past could let myself get to this stage.

I was doing very well, currently on a keto diet that was recommended to me by my trainer and im so thankful for it. I love the diet, but yet I find it so difficult to explain to people who are not into fitness esp people close to you when all they do is give judgy looks and make insensitive comments like "won't eating bacon and pb make you put on weight? " Or "why haven't you made any progress after so long? "

And they get angry with me when I get pissed off and don't bother replying. When they say they were asking all these out of concern. Yeah that's the reason why I'm getting pissed off. Like why can't you just show your support? It's not like I have been doing this fitness thing temporarily. It has been in almost every part of my life. I am serious about it and the least you could do is to show me some postive support.

Yeah well I am progressing, if that's wht you're wondering. Slow like what you said because I have not completely gotten over my binging but yet I can't say it to you cos you will never understand. Slow but steady. I will show you what I'm capable of.<p>

Well the trigger behind this post was cos I binged today and I feel horrible. I was wallowing in self pity, wondering why I gave up when I was doing so well. And I saw this progress pictures, 2 weeks in (left before, right after) and I remembered how proud I was of seeing this small progress. And then I realised how I pulled through the last two weeks. I did not care about what other people thought about me, I did what I had to do to fight for my goals. And this is what I am going to do from now. I am posting all my food and progress pictures here to be accountable for myself. And because heck this , I am doing it for myself and no one else. And there's no more time to dwell on the past like I do last time. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to smash it.

#jas90daychallenge #ngujas #fitspo #fitnessmotivation #ketogenic #fitness #healthy #goals #determination #discipline #iwillgetthere

Monday 8 June 2015

Undergraduate dilemma

My life has been pretty awesome so far I must say, work has been going well, colleagues are nice to me and compliments have been coming. It is nice to hear such stuff, I mean who doesn't like to hear all these right hahah! Time is really passing so fast that I can't believe I am already into my 5th month of internship. I think in every blog post I seem to always comment about how fast time is flying by. And so yes, it is indeed going past so quickly, that I am going to start school again next semester. After 1 year of not studying, suddenly I feel so lazy and sian to go back. I mean, I really do love school, cos of my friends and lessons are genuinely interesting, I just hate the exams and assignments. I hate the fact that we have to take exams to judge our calibre. I hate that everyone, including me is stuck in this rat race, studying so hard just to get that paper qualification, even if the things we are studying are irrelevant to the future working life. I hate that 1 paper determines our worth, our fate.

I hate that I am so fickle minded. I am stuck in this dilemma once again, thinking if I should follow the crowd and get a honours degree, just so that I can have that paper, just so that I can match up to everyone else's standards. Deep down inside me I know that studying 1 extra year will not help me gain much knowledge related to real life work, but yet im caught between having to do it because it may be an important factor in helping me to secure a job. I honestly do not care about the fact that people with an honours degree are gonna get a higher pay than me, I am not that career minded. As long as I can have enough to support myself, and most importantly do what I like to do, that is all that matters.

But I cannot get past myself. I cannot get past the fact that I may be going another path different from all my friends who are doing honours. Thinking to myself will I regret it if I do not do it in future, thinking if I will lose out in future if I do not have that degree, thinking if I am lousier than everyone else if i do not do it, all these are causing me to feel so unsure of what I should do. The fact that not doing it MAY cause me to lose out on a job that I want to do just because another person has that extra paper...I am seriously so confused.

Yet the thought of having to stay 1/2 year longer than all of my friends if I were to take honours, thinking about the fact that I will be 25 by the time I graduate if I take honours seriously makes me feel so bothered. I know time shouldn't be a factor, I know friends shouldn't be a factor because this is MY life, I have to make the decisions for myself, but hey I am just a human as well, and I cannot stop all these different emotions from coming.

I just hope that I can figure out a clear answer for myself soon, and hope that that is something that I will not regret in future.

Monday 1 June 2015

Stronger and Better

So... I have neglected this blog for far too long, been busy with work, been busy with exercise, been busy with catching up with everybody, been busy with finding just about every excuse i can find.

I have been toying with the idea of changing this blog's title and url to my own personalised one, just so that I can continue to keep this blog alive, with my daily rants. 2 months have passed since I came back from exchange and I am finally dragging my ass off to get down to making this a reality.

Ever since my 21st birthday, I have been constantly in a slump. A slump I created for myself. A darkness of dieting, hard core exercising and binge eating. Time and time again I feel so determined to get out of it and get back the old Jaslynn, but time and again I fail. Posting on social media used to be a way for me to motivate myself to reach my goals, but now it seems more of a fear, a fear that people are asking me about my seemingly empty promises. Well, I can't blame them cos they are not me, they do not know what I am going through. And these are the very people that I want to prove wrong, other than fighting for my own goals. I know I will reach there one day, I just dont know when. I know I have it in me, I have seen that determination and discipline, that fire in me. It is just taking a bit longer to come back this time.

I am currently doing personal training with my biggest motivation and inspiration and to be honest, the price tag isn't cheap. Thinking that the price will force me to be disciplined and work hard, but 4 weeks in and I am not really progressing, because of my random binges. I hate myself for this, hate that I can sacrifice so much like waking up at 5am to exercise, sacrificing time with friends but my eating has to screw it all up. I feel more and more depressed each day, feeling so unhealthy and hating to go out, to shop, to meet friends because I dont have a shit to wear or I just get too conscious of myself.

I hate it cos I start getting so irritable, always pmsing at my friends and family, and half the time I dont know why I am angry. I try to control my emotions, but it is just raging on the inside of me. I don't hate myself, I hate that I made myself into this wreck. I hate that demon inside me that is trying to take over me each time. One binge can throw me off totally, make me so annoyed with anything and everything, coops me up at home. I am at my heaviest now. But I am not going to let this demon inside of me win this. It will never win.

Because you know what? I am stronger than this. I am Unbroken and Unstoppable. And I vowed the shit of my life that when I get cured of all this misery, I am going to help those people who are going through the same shit as I am. No one deserves to go through all this. We are all in this world for a reason.

I am not going to let my money, my time and my effort go to waste. I am going to prove to those people who say I can't, in their face, that I CAN and i am going to gain that respect that I should have. Binged yesterday but so what? Im and going to pick myself up and start running again, start running towards my goals. Pain is there to make you stronger, failure is just an opportunity for you to start again more intelligently, to eventually succeed.

I am never ever ever going to give up, no matter how many times I fail. And the road to success starts with me.

Saturday 3 January 2015

#DUOGRAPEESINSEOUL

The sister came over to visit me!!! And also to holiday heehee! Luckily I have a sister who loves to plan trips and all, so she planned almost the whole trip LOL while I focused on being their translator (albeit such a lousy one haha) and bringing them around Seoul for good food and good places to go!

The holiday was 2 weeks long, so I can't possibly blog about everything, so I will just summarize it with picturesssss~! LEZZGOOOO!

Alpensia Ski Resort