So... I have neglected this blog for far too long, been busy with work, been busy with exercise, been busy with catching up with everybody, been busy with finding just about every excuse i can find.
I have been toying with the idea of changing this blog's title and url to my own personalised one, just so that I can continue to keep this blog alive, with my daily rants. 2 months have passed since I came back from exchange and I am finally dragging my ass off to get down to making this a reality.
Ever since my 21st birthday, I have been constantly in a slump. A slump I created for myself. A darkness of dieting, hard core exercising and binge eating. Time and time again I feel so determined to get out of it and get back the old Jaslynn, but time and again I fail. Posting on social media used to be a way for me to motivate myself to reach my goals, but now it seems more of a fear, a fear that people are asking me about my seemingly empty promises. Well, I can't blame them cos they are not me, they do not know what I am going through. And these are the very people that I want to prove wrong, other than fighting for my own goals. I know I will reach there one day, I just dont know when. I know I have it in me, I have seen that determination and discipline, that fire in me. It is just taking a bit longer to come back this time.
I am currently doing personal training with my biggest motivation and inspiration and to be honest, the price tag isn't cheap. Thinking that the price will force me to be disciplined and work hard, but 4 weeks in and I am not really progressing, because of my random binges. I hate myself for this, hate that I can sacrifice so much like waking up at 5am to exercise, sacrificing time with friends but my eating has to screw it all up. I feel more and more depressed each day, feeling so unhealthy and hating to go out, to shop, to meet friends because I dont have a shit to wear or I just get too conscious of myself.
I hate it cos I start getting so irritable, always pmsing at my friends and family, and half the time I dont know why I am angry. I try to control my emotions, but it is just raging on the inside of me. I don't hate myself, I hate that I made myself into this wreck. I hate that demon inside me that is trying to take over me each time. One binge can throw me off totally, make me so annoyed with anything and everything, coops me up at home. I am at my heaviest now. But I am not going to let this demon inside of me win this. It will never win.
Because you know what? I am stronger than this. I am Unbroken and Unstoppable. And I vowed the shit of my life that when I get cured of all this misery, I am going to help those people who are going through the same shit as I am. No one deserves to go through all this. We are all in this world for a reason.
I am not going to let my money, my time and my effort go to waste. I am going to prove to those people who say I can't, in their face, that I CAN and i am going to gain that respect that I should have. Binged yesterday but so what? Im and going to pick myself up and start running again, start running towards my goals. Pain is there to make you stronger, failure is just an opportunity for you to start again more intelligently, to eventually succeed.
I am never ever ever going to give up, no matter how many times I fail. And the road to success starts with me.
I have been toying with the idea of changing this blog's title and url to my own personalised one, just so that I can continue to keep this blog alive, with my daily rants. 2 months have passed since I came back from exchange and I am finally dragging my ass off to get down to making this a reality.
Ever since my 21st birthday, I have been constantly in a slump. A slump I created for myself. A darkness of dieting, hard core exercising and binge eating. Time and time again I feel so determined to get out of it and get back the old Jaslynn, but time and again I fail. Posting on social media used to be a way for me to motivate myself to reach my goals, but now it seems more of a fear, a fear that people are asking me about my seemingly empty promises. Well, I can't blame them cos they are not me, they do not know what I am going through. And these are the very people that I want to prove wrong, other than fighting for my own goals. I know I will reach there one day, I just dont know when. I know I have it in me, I have seen that determination and discipline, that fire in me. It is just taking a bit longer to come back this time.
I am currently doing personal training with my biggest motivation and inspiration and to be honest, the price tag isn't cheap. Thinking that the price will force me to be disciplined and work hard, but 4 weeks in and I am not really progressing, because of my random binges. I hate myself for this, hate that I can sacrifice so much like waking up at 5am to exercise, sacrificing time with friends but my eating has to screw it all up. I feel more and more depressed each day, feeling so unhealthy and hating to go out, to shop, to meet friends because I dont have a shit to wear or I just get too conscious of myself.
I hate it cos I start getting so irritable, always pmsing at my friends and family, and half the time I dont know why I am angry. I try to control my emotions, but it is just raging on the inside of me. I don't hate myself, I hate that I made myself into this wreck. I hate that demon inside me that is trying to take over me each time. One binge can throw me off totally, make me so annoyed with anything and everything, coops me up at home. I am at my heaviest now. But I am not going to let this demon inside of me win this. It will never win.
Because you know what? I am stronger than this. I am Unbroken and Unstoppable. And I vowed the shit of my life that when I get cured of all this misery, I am going to help those people who are going through the same shit as I am. No one deserves to go through all this. We are all in this world for a reason.
I am not going to let my money, my time and my effort go to waste. I am going to prove to those people who say I can't, in their face, that I CAN and i am going to gain that respect that I should have. Binged yesterday but so what? Im and going to pick myself up and start running again, start running towards my goals. Pain is there to make you stronger, failure is just an opportunity for you to start again more intelligently, to eventually succeed.
I am never ever ever going to give up, no matter how many times I fail. And the road to success starts with me.
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